In 2007, after being married 2 years, we decided to start a family. After a year of trying, we sought medical help. Fertility challenges were discovered. Surgery and treatments started. Each month that passed with no pregnancy brought heartache and pain. Friends and family announced pregnancies – one after another. Each announcement felt like being punched in the gut. It became painful even to come to church – it seemed like babies were everywhere in the service. Anger at God for allowing this to happen to us, started to creep in.
During the second year of hoping for a child, the anger towards God became front and center in our lives. The temptation to turn from God was great. Why were we experiencing this horrible pain, when we’d tried our best to live for Him? Looking back now, we can see Satan at work. The enemy would have loved for our infertility to drag us away from God. Nicolle would cry herself to sleep, while Jason begged God to provide a child and take away this pain. Yet, no matter how far we tried to run from God, worship songs would go through our minds during our sadness and Bible verses would pop up everywhere. Proverbs 3:5-6 became our mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight.”
We took a break from trying to build a family and concentrated on healing our hearts and learning to enjoy life once again. We found encouragement and support through Life Groups and others at Gateway who had struggled with infertility.
On Nicolle’s birthday in 2010, after learning that our last fertility treatment had failed, we received four pregnancy announcements. One of those was Jason’s sister, who was not in a good situation. We felt knocked down with pain. We were prepared for a child, but God instead chose to give that blessing to many others. We chose to start the adoption process.
Jason’s sister went into premature labor. Two days after baby Kayla’s birth, it became evident that Jason’s sister was very ill. She couldn’t care for the baby in NICU. The baby’s father was mentally unstable and unable as well. We were named Power of Attorney and began daily visits. Plans were made to discharge Kayla to us on November 5. The next day, we received a call that Jason’s sister had suffered a heart attack. We raced to the hospital. But she was already gone. Jason’s grief was indescribable. He had already lost a brother as a child. Now his sister was gone too.
In this grief, we brought baby Kayla home the next day. Kayla’s father made the decision to allow us to adopt her. In the face of overwhelming grief, there was great joy! A week later, just days before our court date, her father changed his mind. There are no words to describe the pain we felt. But now, instead of turning from God, we clung to Him. We bowed at the foot of the cross and begged Him to HEAL the wounds left from this devastating ordeal. We slowly HEALED. Every phone call, every card, every invitation to go for a boat ride or come to dinner was like a stitch to sew up our wounds. We found purpose, as God led us to join with three other couples, to host the first ever Kansas City Infertility Awareness Event.
In April of 2011, we received a phone call from a birth-mother who had been referred to us by a friend. She wanted us to parent her child. We were scared of heartbreak once again. Joshua 1:9 became our new mantra: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged for the Lord God will be with you wherever you go.” ...On June 6, we were called to the hospital…to meet our son…Tucker.
You can see our miracle son in this video that our dear friend made, along with quotes from emails that Nicolle sent along the journey...
Our first night home from the hospital, as we set on our couch, after celebrating with our family and friends, we understood what it means to say God’s plans are perfect. Every deep wound leaves a scar. And we will always bear scars from our battle with infertility, from losing Jason’s sister so suddenly, from thinking Kayla was ours to having her ripped from our family...
YET – Psalm 147:3 says, “God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Our story is proof of this. Every time we look into the beautiful blue eyes of our son, Tucker, and he flashes us a grin, we praise God and know that our wounds from infertility have truly been HEALED.
Our God still performs miracles of healing. We are living proof!
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